Revelations (at) 1:52(AM).

A couple weeks ago, my grandma called and we talked about my classes and college and things like that. She told me that she thinks I am a well-rounded person with a good mind and keen insight into human nature. She told me that as long as she's known me, she has noticed me absorbing life, taking things in, observing other people, processing the ways in which we live. That statement struck me as very true: I have always been watching, and I've always been soaking things up and storing them somewhere inside this form we call my body. I'm more aware of it now; more aware of when it happens and to what extent, etc., but it truthfully is an automatic, unaffected process.

I also observe myself. I use hindsight to its greatest limits and I learn from the past and rationalize why things have happened to me and what good they brought me that might not have appeared had the bad occurred at the start. Recent events have made me realize that I wasn't happy, and that the extra worry and the frustration and the struggle was not helping my slow adjustment process. I wasn't permitting myself to be myself because I was constantly worrying about something going awry. Little did I know that it was already awry, I was just blinded by my own sense of hope and of possibility. The signs were all there, and part of me recognized them. After all, I'm not exactly unfamiliar with this situation.

The events of October 16, though, now are much clearer to me in their reasons, their incubation, and their ultimate effect on my life here at the University of California Los Angeles. I now have time to meet people, to hang out with the fantastic theatrical artists in my program, and to realize that it's not necessary for me to simply sit in my room and Facebook stalk him. There is life outside your apartment.

I have also been learning, as months pass, that I have a lot to offer, a lot to give, and a lot to say. There are people who aren't insanely complicated, or insanely simple. There are people who can keep up with my rambling rants and who agree with the things I say. There are people who understand me, understand where I come from, the things that have transpired to shape who I am, and they like me for it. And so what if there are petty things that keep us apart? This is my life. This is me. And when faced with the ultimatum, you left it. Your loss. Merry Christmas.

If you see happiness as a line on the ground and one side is misery and depression and the other is joy and magic, then I have one foot over the line and, if things happen the way I hope they will, the other one will be there before you know it. And it's real, not like before. Not foolish, blind happiness. No, that kind of happiness turned into some kind of maturity builder and I drank that milkshake down.

Yum, yum, yum, look at me now.

L