I'm Gonna Spend My Time This Way.

WHY...
...can I not have a car here?
...is Acting at nine in the morning?
...do I care that I have class at nine in the morning, when I had class at 7 in the morning for the last four years?
...am I happy regardless of these problems?
...did I ask that when I already know the answer?
...did the programming schedule tell me I was taping last week's episode of "Step It Up and Dance" when, in reality, I was actually taping "Inside the Actor's Studio" with Matt Damon?
...am I so fucking exhausted?
...can we not be together every day?
...does everything make me think of him?
...did I eat so much today?
...am I not a huge cow?
...am I typing everything I think?
...do I miss my mom right now?
...do I love that everything makes me think of him?

Oh, right. Because I love him.

L

My, How Lucky!

Please read the following e-mail I received from the T.A. in my Acting I class this afternoon:

"Dear Class, I hope you are all enjoying this class and that your quarter is rocking right along your way. I very much look forward to our progression together. I have spoken to Gulu and we have agreed that it is necessary to set a few guidelines for the class. The particulars of these guidelines are attendance and attitude. Last Friday eight students were absent from class. That is one third of the entire class, which is unacceptable. Attached is a syllabus outlining the attendance policy for the class. Each student is allowed one unexcused absence. For twelve students in the class the unexcused absence has been exhausted. If you think that you might be one of those students please feel free to contact me. I would like to say a few things. I think that this is one of the best programs in the country. I have seen undergraduates from this school hold their own quite well with Yale Grad students, Julliard students and professionals. You should all take pride in the fact that you are here. You should also remember that for each one of you here,there are at least twenty people who didn't get to be a part of this. What you are being asked to learn in this class relates to any character you will ever play and any type of performance (Classical, Contemporary, Absurdist, Commedia, Film, you name it). You have the chance to craft the way that your mind and body works. Don't take it for granted! I have also been watching you guys. I think I learn just as much from listening to and watching you as from practicing my own work. I hope that will be the same for us all. Across the board you all have what it takes physically, vocally and intellectually. Whether you will take the raw materials and talent that have earned you your place here and transform it into skill is a question of discipline. You are the first freshman class to be allowed an acting class. The attendance policy speaks for itself. What I want to address is the environment we are creating. When your classmates are working, you are expected to give them your attention. If someone is whispering and giggling or whatever and I hear it, then the classmate who is working or Gulu can probably hear it. Some part of their attention which should be focused on the task at hand will be directed to that person and their selfishness. That is not fair. You should ask yourself this question: How does one grade a class like this? There are no tests, quizzes, or papers. I think you'll find that it boils down to whether or not you show up and when you do, does your attitude contribute or detract. It will always be that way. I think you are all doing wonderful work and hope to make this the best opportunity possible for all of you."


One of the few things I dislike about this program is the persistent need that professors and teaching assistants feel to remind us how lucky we are, how grateful we should be, and how extraordinary what we're doing really is. WE KNOW. Trust us. We are all more than aware that the planets were in perfect alignment on our audition day and Zeus was watching over us and Jesus was in the pencil of the man or woman watching our audition and conducting our interview. We see the work being produced here and the actors in grades above us and we know that you, my dear TFT, are churning out some damn fine actors. And we want to be one of them. WE DO. The constant haranguing doesn't do anything to support our love of the program, it just makes us drained, exhausted, and likely to YAWN even more. I don't mean to complain. No, actually, I do. We don't need to hear your speeches anymore. We know we can touch Shakespeare's folio, we know that you are probably a good teacher even if you are crazy and choose not to wear underwear. Give it a rest. For the love of God, give it a rest.

Untitled Blog on the Theme of Discovery of One's Passion.

Tonight I realized what I'm meant to do.
I found my passion, once and for all.

Directing it is.
I know for certain now.

Thank you, Abraham, for letting me work with you tonight and for being a responsive, ready, willing, and capable actor.

It felt good.
It was exhilarating.
I am very happy.

I need to do it.
I need to express my vision.
I'm sick of helping out other people and doing nothing of my own, not that I don't love helping, but I want to create something new, something made from scratch instead of stirring someone else's batter.

Hopefully I'll get the opportunity.

Top 25 Most Played.

Just because I think it's interesting.

1. Save the Last Dance for Me - The Drifters
2. You're So Vain - Carly Simon
3. When My Boy Walks Down the Street - The Magnetic Fields
4. These Days - Nico
5. Suffused With Love - Sondre Lerche
6. Love to Me (demo) - Adam Guettel
7. It's Gonna Take a Miracle - Laura Nyro
8. Beauty Mark - Rufus Wainwright
9. Vicious World - Rufus Wainwright
10. My Old Man - Joni Mitchell
11. A Case of You - Joni Mitchell
12. Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg
13. Oh My - Office
14. Castle-Time - Chris Garneau
15. Manhattan - Dinah Washington
16. You Get What You Give - New Radicals
17. My Phone's On Vibrate For You - Rufus Wainwright
18. I Can't Decide - Scissor Sisters
19. Another Sunny Day - Belle & Sebastian
20. Perfect, Finite - Michael Winter, Songs from an Unmade Bed
21. Take Your Mama - Scissor Sisters
22. Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters - Elton John
23. All I Want - Joni Mitchell
24. Go or Go Ahead - Rufus Wainwright
25. Hero and Leander - Adam Guettel, Myths & Hymns

Vindication.

It feels good.
It really does.

Chug Chug Chug.

In the past few days I have seen alcohol practically wreck the lives of most of my really close friends.

My roommate was passed out outside our building throwing up between the hours of 3 and 6am this morning.
Is my entire group of friends hanging by loose threads right now because of alcohol? YES.
Is it stupid as hell? Yes yes yes.

I just want this to be over.
This is why I don't drink.
I like knowing FOR SURE what I did last night.
I like keeping my friendships secure.
It is the smartest decision I have ever made.

I have seen the way my father gets. I have been pinned against a car, holding keys away from someone who is trying to drive. I've been told that I am worthless and that I shouldn't exist. I have watched someone be unable to sit up at a table because she is so drunk. I have seen someone cry in the back seat of a friend's care because of a drunken night's mistakes. Seeing what alcohol did first to my family and now to my friends...I don't care if I never drink it again. I don't understand it, I don't know why people do it.

I know there are people who drink responsibly and I applaud them, but others...it just really makes me sad. It really does.

Lord What Fools.

It's the beginning of the quarter. And you know what that means?
It's fraternity rush week.

During this most festive of weeks, all the frat houses throw parties and have dinners in hopes of having a lot of manly young men pounding on the door, begging to be a part of their Brotherhood. As I walked back from Westwood this evening, I passed by one of the houses and had to stop and stare at the absurdity.

The brothers had parked an old, beat-up car on the sidewalk in front of their house and the prospective pledges were being given sledgehammers and pickaxes and told to go to town. I stood across Gayley and watched as each gentleman pounded away, smashing out the windows, knocking the doors off their hinges, and collapsing the roof. And not once or twice, but three times did one guy get the sharp end of the pickax stuck in the top of the trunk. I watched in amazement at this act which seemed to appeal to the very bottom level of human behavior, playing on the male stereotype and some insane animalistic urge to attack, to destroy, and to effuse testosterone in copious amounts. They all looked so excited, so thrilled, so in love with what they were doing. It was disturbing and frightening to think that this is some desire that society has repressed in order to prevent torture and murder, but whichever member of the frat had thought of allowing the pledges to tear apart this car had, albeit probably inadvertently, created a surefire way to illicit attention by appealing to something so base and primal in the human male's subconscious. I mean - who wouldn't want to stand on the street and beat the shit out of something?

I swear to God, there are times when I am really happy I know better.